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Articles By Mike Rooth

Land Rovers Bite

I was sitting quietly contemplating lunch the other day,in my eyrie,otherwise known as a top floor office,any further up and I'm on the roof,when the phone rang. After I'd actually *found* the damned thing,by virtue of my geological filing system, one inch down = one week,roughly,it turned out to be a mate on his mobile."Hey,Mike,have a look out of your window,I'm on the car park"ses he,"there's a dirty great lump of plastic under your Land Rover,and a bit of body filler missing from the back corner". Clambering wearily to my feet,weak from lack of nourishment,I espied my colleague,delightedly waving aforemtioned right angled lump of plastic in the air."OK" ses I "Piss off,and leave it there I'll come down".Off he pissed,and I discovered what looked suspiciously like the entire corner of the front "bumper" from a Ford Transit van neatly laid to rest alongside my LH rear wheel.(Tidy lad,that). So I thought,"Right,I'll lock this bugger in the workshop,and they can *plead*,and *grovel*.However,there sung out a quavering voice"Er,excuse me"."Wot",I replied,ever polite,you'll notice."Can I 'ave me bit back please?"."Oh ar,yours,is it?""Yes,but it weren't me wot was driving the van,it were me mate"."Right.Send your mate up to see me PDQ,he's due a bollocking".

The mate duly turned up.The vehicle was a University one which hadn't quite made the turn.It had hit the rear corner of the Rover,removing the complete corner bumper,leaving only a fetching scratch.His excuse was "I didn't know I'd done it"."Balls" ses I you fetched off most of the front of that Dagenham Dustbin and you DIDNT KNOW?".

"Er,no,I'd got the radio on,see"."All right,so if you didn't know you'd done it,how did your mate know where to find it?".No reply. Thinks a bit,you could hear it."Well,I fort there might be some insurance thing so I went back to the department to find out what to do"."No you didn't"I replied,ever sharp on the uptake"You fucking well panicked,*that's* what *you* did,and buggered off before anyone saw you"."I'm *ever* so sorry"he said."The only reason you're sorry is because you got sodding well caught"."I'll give you a tip,chum. Next time you see a Land Rover,BACK OFF.They BITE"."Yeah" very sadly, "I know".


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